


Pretending

by Scott Elren (Ohmygod_Renny)



Series: A Separate Peace Oneshots [1]
Category: A Separate Peace - John Knowles
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Camp Nanowrimo, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Secret Admirer, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 12:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14188965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ohmygod_Renny/pseuds/Scott%20Elren
Summary: 1- You've been anonymously sending me candy for the past three months, and I FINALLY caught you.-This is the first work in my series for Camp NaNoWriMo 2018! I'm using 30 prompts, so here is the first one for this lovely book.





	Pretending

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BasementVampire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BasementVampire/gifts).



> I'm so excited to start up a series of oneshots for A Separate Peace! I hope that you enjoy this fic, and go check out @BasementVampire, because she's doing the same prompts as I am. She's much better at writing fanfictions than I am, but bear with me as I figure this whole thing out :)

It started small. A candy cane on the doorknob, or a butterscotch on my desk. Then the secret admirer got bolder. A bouquet of lollipops appeared one morning, right out front of the door to my room. Soon after, a basket of bubblegum was hanging from outside my window. Things were getting out of hand.

It's not like the gifts were a secret. Everyone at Devon was talking about them. Some, like Brinker, were extremely jealous. Others were coming up with theories of who the sender was. Leper's research was the most popular-- he had already traced the purchases to someone who lived within the school grounds. That made everyone act crazier than they already were. Fights broke out every time one student accused another, and pretty soon, all eyes were on me. They had to make sure they caught the admirer in the act.

Finny was different, though. Every time I told him about the newest candy, he laughed a little, or smiled, or mumbled something under his breath. I couldn't tell if the laughter was with me or at me, but I knew he definitely wasn't jealous or angry like the others. He seemed like he didn't care in the slightest. That bothered me.

I told myself I didn't want him to care like a mantra; every morning was the same. From the moment my eyes opened, and endless loop of _He doesn't have to care_ flowed through the back of my mind. It was all I could do to keep myself from asking him what I'd wanted to.  
I wanted to ask if it was him.

I couldn't; I knew I'd just get my heart broken. I would rather just pretend that he was the one sending little notes with bundles of candy, that he was the secret admirer, that he loved me back.

Pretending can't hurt anyone, I reasoned with myself, as long as I don't let anything become too real to me.

But a few weeks ago, Leper confronted me. That bastard. He had narrowed the list of suspects down to four boys. It was Chet, Bobby, some kid I didn't know, and Finny. Finny.

I tried asking him why Finny was on the list. I wanted this to be true, that Finny could be the admirer, but I knew that it was too good to happen to someone like me. People like me don't deserve anything from people like him.

"You see, this is dangerous information. I can't just go about telling everyone why these boys are on the list." Leper said smugly.

"Leper, this is about me."

"No, it's about the future of four young men. Three of them will remain the same, but once my spies come back with new information, one of them will be ruined."

"This isn't a game, okay? Just tell me why Finny's on the list."

"I'm well aware that this isn't a game. I'm all that stands between Finny and humiliation, and I wouldn't want him being accused before I get every detail I need reported back to me."

"This is disgusting," I shook my head in disapproval, "What are you going to do when you find out who it is? Blackmail him?"

Leper laughed a little at my comment. Leaning in, as if enemy troops were watching him in wait for some life-or-death statement, he whispered, "I'll just let Cliff take care of him."

I stared at him in disbelief, saying,"I don't believe you."

But he wasn't joking. Cliff was now the top spy in Leper's operation. He didn't have to tell anyone; it was pretty obvious. Cliff followed me nearly everywhere, and waited outside my room in the evenings, just in case. He was determined to catch the admirer.

But then, as if I'd never gotten any gifts at all, everything was normal for a while. Some boys pointed at me when I walked through the school, or when I played sports in the field, but mostly everything was normal. Leper and his troops calmed down after a short, unsuccessful run, which gave the admirer the freedom to keep sending me candy.

I kinda liked it. About three months in, I could tell that the admirer was going broke, because he scaled down on the gifts. It didn't make any difference, though-- the thing I looked forward to most was the notes attached, like:  
_Roses are red_  
_Violets are blue_  
_I'm not good at writing poems, but I really like you._

 _Or:_  
_I think I know what perfection means_  
_It comes in the form of a boy named Gene_  
_To be with him is my greatest dream_  
_But for now I'll stay secret, and that means unseen_  
_(Sorry that I'm not very good at poems, Gene.)_

The handwriting was completely terrible, but I didn't mind. The only thing that bothered me was that it didn't match Finny's. I just pretended I didn't notice, because pretending doesn't hurt anyone.

I tried to save the poems for when nobody else is around, but it's hard to avoid Brinker when he's constantly in everybody's business. He always asks to hear the latest one, as sure as he would be jealous after he hears it.

"I wish I had a secret admirer," he said after hearing the latest one. "Shoot, even if it was a boy, at least I'd be flattered."

"Hey, at least you're not under the watchful gaze of Leper's minions all day."  
"Oh, come on, they quit that a while ago. And you still get to reap the rewards of this thing."  
"Brink, who do you think it is?"

Brinker was quiet for a while after that. He looked at me in a kinda funny way, and then stood up. He opened the door to his room, motioning for me to leave.

"Did I say something?" I asked carefully.  
"No. I know who it is, but I can't tell you. If you stay any longer, I'm afraid I will."  
I looked down at the ground, walking over to the door. "It is a boy then? Leper's not wrong?"

Brinker just nodded.

"And you won't tell me who it is?"  
"If you hurry, you can catch him at your room now, I think. He said he was going to be dropping off some licorice tonight."  
"Thanks, Brinker."

My heart raced all the way across the hall, which isn't very far, but it felt like it was miles away to me. Turning the doorknob, I braced myself for whoever might be inside. But my room was empty. My immediate reaction was to go yell at him, but I was sure that wouldn't do anything. Anyways, I couldn't let him know I care.

_Brinker lied to me. Shit._

I slowly shut the door, walking over to sit on my bed. There was no candy, no notes, no sign of anyone even being there. Brinker was always one for practical jokes, but this wasn't funny.

_I can't believe that. He just wanted to get me out of his hair; he didn't care about the fact that this is something that's important to me. He's just jealous. He--_

Someone knocked on the door. I didn't answer. I was too tired of everything, and just sank farther back into my bed. So whoever it was walked in, and that person happened to be Finny. But he walked past me, and didn't even look my way. Peering across the room, I could see something was in his hand. It was a package; it looked oddly familiar.

"Here we go," Finny said quietly, laying the package on my desk. "Definitely worth it for you, Gene." He said this to himself, but I could hear him from the corner I had situated myself in. Then it all clicked.

Yes, it was him the whole time. I felt the sudden urge to confront right then, but I knew I had to be sure first.

Then, he pick up a scrap of paper from his desk, and started to write. He wrote with his left hand, which was genius. Of course I hadn't recognized the handwriting.

"Hmm... would a compliment be too cliche by now...?" He mumbled, scratching out the line and starting over.

After watching for a few moments, I couldn't contain myself anymore. He was writing a poem to leave with the candy, just like my admirer had done, so it must have been him. He really just hated me, didn't he? He wanted to make me the laughing stock of Devon, to ruin my grades by making me too embarrassed to focus. Because good things can't happen to people like me.

I stood up, and those bright green eyes immediately flickered over to me. A wave of confusion passed over Finny's face, but moments later it was replaced by panic. I'd never seen Finny look like that before, and I don't think I ever want to see it again.

"Gene, I--"  
"Finny, is this a joke? You wouldn't do this as a prank, would you?" I tried to hold back tears, but God knows I'm awful at that.  
"Uh..."  
"Never mind. I don't want to know." I said, swallowing the lump in my throat. I look out the window that lies just past Finny, too afraid to make eye contact. There were boys running around playing the newest version of Blitzball in the field. I guess nothing just stops when Finny walks away like it does for me.

"Yes. You need to know." He said, lowering his voice. "You at least deserve an explanation, even if it makes you hate me."  
My gaze didn't falter, but I could see his eyes on me from my peripheral.  
"I'm not normal. I know it's awful, I know, but I fell in love with you," Finny's words start to fall over themselves, unlike his usual eloquence and his ostentatious vocabulary. "And I know that I don't deserve you. I never will. But you must forgive me, Gene, because I can't control it," he paused, collecting himself. "If I could change things, I would, but every road leads back to you."

I couldn't say anything even if I wanted to. Finny's words sounded as though they were my own, told to him and not the other way around. _I'm the one who'll never deserve Finny,_ I thought. _He's the one who should think I'm not normal. I'm the one who's awful and in love._

_Not him._

After a few moments of pressing silence, Finny took a step forward, lowering his eyes.  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I upset you. I just-- who couldn't be in love with you? Gene, I'm so sorry that I'm so awful like this, and I--"  
"Finny," I managed to say between labored breaths. I couldn't believe this was happening. "It's okay," is all I can whisper.

"No, it's not. You don't have to try to make me feel better. I deserve to feel guilty."  
"Finny, no. You deserve someone better than me. I'm no good for you-- I'll just drag you down."

"Huh?" Finny looked up to meet my gaze.

"Yes, Finny, I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. Don't you understand? How could you ever love someone like me?"  
"Gene--"  
"Because I'm in love with you, too. I've always loved you." I reach my hands out to grasp his, our fingers intertwining. Though we're the same height, it felt like Finny was the largest, most important thing in the whole world at that moment. There was no more pretending.

"...You really do have a way of timing things, Gene."  
"What do you mean?"  
"It's still the middle of the day. By the time we can safely be alone, the moment will have passed." He replied, laughing that angelic laugh of his and squeezing my hand in his.  
"Finny!" I said playfully, though clearly scandalized by his comment.

"You're right, it's likely we'll still be madly in love by lights out," Finny then smiled that bright smile of his, melting my heart instantly. I knew he was thinking the same thing I was, and I was very glad that we were roommates.

"You're still going to be just as gorgeous with the lights off, I'm sure."


End file.
